


The Dough Also Rises

by squidgie



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-17
Updated: 2011-08-17
Packaged: 2017-10-22 18:31:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/241209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squidgie/pseuds/squidgie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an insane crack!fic with John and Rodney from SGA.  Just...wow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dough Also Rises

**Author's Note:**

>  I don't know what came over me.  I'm _so_ ~~evil~~ sorry.

_**Another Stargateland AU Challenge Fic**_  
Oh god... This is... Jeez.  Avoid it if you're allergic to crack.  I mean crack of the highest order.

I turned John and Rodney into... Oh well, I'm not going to give it away.  Just say - CRACK!

 

 **  
Title:   
**   
 The Dough Also Rises  
 **Word Count:**  1,215  
 **Warnings:**  Major, major, MAJOR crack.  
 **Creator's Notes:**  I don't know what came over my.I'm _so_ ~~evil~~ sorry.  
 **Fandom:** Stargate Atlantis  
 **Characters/Pairing:** Sheppard, McKay - and McShep

 **  
Authors Notes:   
**   
Again.I'm really, _really_ sorry!

 

~*~*~

Rodney sprang into consciousness laying on the counter of an oppressively warm kitchen.He immediately sighed at the gentle kneading the fingers provided his backside.Just as he was relaxing, someone hit him with a rolling pin and he went out like a light.

The next sensation he had was being picked up by strong, calloused hands and unceremoniously dumped onto an ice cold tray.If only he had arms, he'd take a swing at the guy who had been manhandling him.

Life as a doughnut didn't seem like it was going to be all that good.

The baker put Rodney's tray into a nice, just slightly balmy rack where shots of warmed air caressed his body, almost making up for the coolness of the tray.Still, it would have been nicer if he just had some sort of jacket or something.

Rodney is rudely awakened by the jostling of his tray, and _really_ comes to when the tray is dropped onto a counter."What in the _hell_?" he asks, looking around.

"Hey buddy," comes a voice from his side.Rodney looks, and sees a pastry bag filled to almost overflowing with sweet, sweet cream.   


"Hey yourself," Rodney complains.

"Cranky, huh?"When Rodney doesn't reply, the pastry bag speaks back, "My name's John."

"Hello?Didn't ask!" Rodney replies churlishly.With a bit of guilt, he tosses back, "Rodney."

"What the hell's the matter with you, Rodney?" John asks.

"Oh, I don't know.Let's see.Today I've gained consciousness, been massaged, then beaten to a pulp, subjected to this stupid cold tray, and then dropped here.And now you're _bothering_ me, sitting there looking all delicious, with that ridiculous looking spikey thing glaring at me.What _else_ could go wrong?"

John pauses a moment and lets out a deep sigh, watching the baker near Rodney's tray.

"What?What?" Rodney feels the sensation of being picked up, coughing at the flour the baker is tossing over him."Do you _mind_?" he asks, though the baker just ignores him.

"I'm sorry, buddy," John calls from the counter.

"Sorry about what?" Rodney asks, though John just ignores the question responds with, "It won't take too long, and I'll be here when you're back."

"Sorry about _what_?" Rodney calls again, then suddenly feels himself floating through the air.With a terse 'plop', Rodney suddenly feels his skin growing hot.Boiling in fact."HOT!HOT!Oh mother fucker, THIS IS HOT!" he screams, then turns his attention back to the baker and to John, pleading with them to get him out of the boiling oil."For god sakes.Get me the hell out of here!I'm practically burned to a crisp!They don't _make_ SPF strong enough for this shit."

"It'll be over in a second, Rodney," John calls.

"Oh for the love of... Get him off of me, John!" Rodney calls.

John just sits there, only able to ooze out a bit of the sweet cream towards the baker."Sorry, buddy.No can do."Seeing the baker at work, and figuring out his next mood, John calls, "He's just about to turn you, Rodney."

" _WHAT_?!" Rodney calls back."You mean he's literally going to char _both_ sides of me?"

"Kinda the point," John says."Okay, here it comes!"

Rodney feels the coolness of a spatula touch his side, and he raises out of the oil to get a tiny bit of relief from the heat, only to be plopped back down on his uncooked side."JESUS," he calls."Is this man a masochist or something?"Since he can't escape the boiling oil, he takes aim and spits the bubbling liquid up at the baker, hitting him in the hand holding the spatula." _HA_!" Rodney calls.

The baker mutters under his breath and pushes Rodney under the oil in retaliation for the burn, causing Rodney to gurgle as his body bobbed up and down.

"You're almost done, buddy," John calls over to him.

"Oh god... Just kill me. _Somebody_ , kill me!"

A few seconds later and the baker pulls Rodney out of the oil and dumps him back on a tray, seriously close to John. "Oh thank god," he says, then notices a sprinkling of powder being dumped on him."What now?" he asks.

"Just powdered sugar, Rodney," John responds."Makes you sweeter."

"Aah... And is has magical cooling properties."With a nearly contented sigh, he says, "Now _that's_ better."He lets some of the sugar absorb into his skin."Wow... That stuff _is_ sweet!"

"You think that's sweet?" John asks."Wait until you get a taste of me."

"And how do you propose I do _that_?" Rodney asks.

"You'll see," John replies, then leans against the counter looking more rakish than any pastry bag ever should.

As soon as Rodney's fellow donut companions are retrieved from the torture that was the boiling oil, Rodney sees the baker pick John up, trickling a bit of the cream out onto his finger and bringing it to his mouth."Oh that can _not_ be hygienic."With his free hand, the baker picks up Rodney, gripping him gently between his fingers.

"Put me down you big oaf!" Rodney screams.

"Not before I get ahold of you," John calls back, then has the audacity to laugh evilly.

"Wait.He's not gonna stick that..."He stares in horror as the baker brings the spiky tip of John to Rodney's backside."Wait, wait, wait!Don't I get any lube?"

"I got yer lube, Rodney," John says and causes a slight bit of sweet cream to exit his bag and surround the tip."Come on, baby, give it up," John says.

"Oh god... Oh that feels _good_ ," Rodney replies, his senses once again in overload."Oh John... Wow.I didn't know it could feel like this."

"And it's all for you, Rodney.Come on.Take it.Take this whole load of sweet cream."

With one final squeeze of John, Rodney is filled to the brim with the decadent cream."Hmm...Didn't realize it could hold all of that," the baker says, then puts both John and Rodney down on the table to go mix up another batch.

"Damn, you're good," Rodney says, clearly exhausted after their ordeal.

"You took my whole load... Damn, Rodney.Nobody's done that before."

"Yeah, but I'm all poofed out now," Rodney says, complaining about the miniscule swell of a bulge on his sugared top.

"I like it," John says."It looks good on you."

John and Rodney continue to talk and get to know each other for about fifteen minutes, when the baker comes in and drops a pink box down onto the counter."Oh god," John says.

"What?What's happening?"

John sighs, a trace of cream coming out his tip."I'm gonna miss you, buddy," he says.

"Why?Where are they taking me?John? _John_?!?!" Rodney calls.Suddenly he's placed in the bottom of the pink box, and more of his brethren join him."What's going on, fellas?" he asks, though everyone around him just ignores the question, causing Rodney to curse them all as morons.

"I'll never forget you, Rodney!" John calls as Rodney and his compatriots are whisked away by the baker, overhearing the words, "I've got a fresh batch right here, Sam."

 


End file.
